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Falling off a roof, for the first time…

This first story happened way back when I was only 18 years old, with a group of my closest friends – the Meatheads! Almost all of the stories in this book will involve this interesting group of people, one way or another, so let’s start with some brief background information…

It was a group of country guys, about 9 of us originally, and the girls that put up with us during those years. All 9 of us had our own places within the group and, together, we made up an inseparable team. We grew up together and destroyed many, many things (both intentionally and unintentionally). Despite each of us being of above average intelligence and extremely hard workers, we all loved being young and dumb. Because of this, my buddy’s father and his friends, a group of old school, hard working country drunks, took us under their wings at a young age and kept us busy with labour work around their places. In exchange, we always had beer to drink and toys to play with – 700+ horsepower pull trucks, Corvettes, buggies, ATVs, boats, sleds, etc. You name it, we had access to it!

Unfortunately, not only did we have access to them, but we broke nearly everything that we got our grubby little mitts on. Before long, because of this, the group of us was being referred to as the “Meatheads” by all of those Old School country boys. It’s a name that stuck and, many years later (even through we’re now scattered all over the country), we’re still proudly known around these parts as the Meatheads…

Being a true Meathead at heart, I have always had a weird fascination with climbing up onto the roof of buildings when I’m intoxicated… it just seems like such a good idea at the time, but never works out well…

This is where we begin.

Back in the day when this story took place, every night was a different party and this night was certainly no different. My friend Wheeler’s parents were away so we got together at his place and wasted no time getting into it. Just another normal night, back then.

At the time, though, Wheeler’s house was getting new siding or something installed so there was scaffolding up the side of the house and some more mounted on the roof (it was a split level house). As soon as I saw this, I knew exactly where I’d be spending the night. It’s kinda sad, I suppose, but I was actually pretty excited!

Honestly, the party was pretty uneventful – just our normal group plus a few… nothing out of the ordinary. It was good times! I’m sure there were plenty of stories worthy of telling from it, but it’s been so long I really don’t remember.

What I do remember is that, towards the end of the night, as I was getting low on beer, I grabbed the last few bottles and climbed up the scaffolding. I crawled onto the second set up on the first story roof and just sat back to enjoy the scenery. It was exactly like I had hoped and I was completely happy!

All my buddies came to visit me up there. We would share a couple smokes and shoot the shit but, even after they would leave, I was quite content to just stay up there by myself.

I don’t know how long I was up there, but eventually I started to get the spins and I had to have a little lay down. This is where the night ended for me. I was out like a light… for now anyways.

Back inside the party, however, things were not going quite so well. It turns out that one of the girls who was there had apparently snuck out without her parent’s permission. Cell phones suddenly started ringing all over the house. It was this gal’s mother, absolutely losing her fucking mind, trying to locate her missing daughter.

Everyone involved was doing their best to run interference, trying to keep this angry woman away from our party full of underage drunks. To make matters worse, all the while, one of my buddies was upstairs absolutely destroying this chick.

Mama bear wasn’t buying any of it and says that she’s on her way over. Not good! In a flash, everyone rushed upstairs and shut off all the lights. After a quick cleanup to get rid of any visible alcohol, they were now ready to con this poor woman…

My bro Jay, a real smooth talker, his dick still wet from plowing the daughter, got nominated to run the scam because he was the least drunk – but nowhere near sober.

So, shortly after, Jay met the irate mother outside on the back patio and introduced himself politely as the charming owner of the house (though he definitely was not).

“Sure, I had a few people over earlier” he explained with a smile. “But they all left a long time ago. I’m sorry, but your daughter was never here.”

Despite what she had heard, there was obviously no party going on here. The house was completely dark and there was no booze in sight… she was buying it, hook, line and sinker. We were in the clear!

Just as she was about to turn and leave I apparently decided that the plank I was asleep on, directly above them on the pitch black roof, could be a bit more comfortable… and I rolled over!

With a massive thump I slammed down onto the roof below me and proceeded to slide and roll down the first story slope. Off the side I went, luckily landing directly on a smaller roof over the basement door which changed the direction of my painful descent… and aimed me perfectly towards the patio.

It was only about a 6 foot drop from there, thank fuck, but I came down hard… just a few feet from the girl’s pissed off mother, followed immediately by the *clink clink* of 2 empty beer bottles that had followed me down.

At this point, only half alive and completely confused, I had no idea what was happening or who this strange woman was. So, after giving my head a second or two to clear, I looked at my buddy, then at the mother and back to Jay…

“Where the hell did everyone go, man?? What the fuck happened to the party???”

He just shook his head, laughing. I had fucked them all. The mother, however, didn’t find it quite so funny. She went completely off the handle, tearing the house apart until she eventually found her daughter, and then ripped outta there in a tornado of rage.

We all just had a good laugh over it and kept on drinking.

In the end, nothing ever really came of it all. This night would go down in history as the first time that I ever fell off a roof while drinking… but it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Luckily, as you will learn throughout this book, part of being a Meathead is getting away with all of the stupid stuff we do. Unfortunately, that poor girl couldn’t say the same for herself…

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